Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
