if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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