are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
