I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
