Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
