My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
