Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
