you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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