FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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