U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
