I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My penis needs a shock collar
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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