My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
