She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
