If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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