I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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