the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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