That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Welp...herpes.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
