9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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