My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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