Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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