Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can I color on your dick again?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
