I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
