who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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