I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
