let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
