She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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