I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
