Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
