I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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