last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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