just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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