It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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