Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
