When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
