hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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