we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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