My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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