his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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