I heard we made out
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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