so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
