I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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