I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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