my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
