i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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