Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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