she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
