Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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