On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
cat food counts as protein by the way
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
