I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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