So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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