but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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