I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
