You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
