the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
