dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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