He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
